Why Fixing a Relationship Doesn’t Work...
Updated: Dec 4, 2019
The modern approach to relationship problems is the classic marriage counselor paradigm. A couple sits down in a therapist’s office and seek to find a cure for their relationship woes. They are working on their relationship. In effect, sitting in that office are a husband, a wife, a therapist, and one other – the “relationship.” Everybody puts a great deal of effort taking care of this 4th entity. Created at the beginning, when all was joyful and easy, it has taken on ever greater importance, and now overshadows all other concerns. The consequences of failing to heal it are huge – family, friends, finances, tender hearts, so much suffering at stake.
Why? When did this entity take on so much power? Why does it get to have so much attention? When did it take over? Why is it the most important entity in the room?
This is where things get turned upside down, because the truth is, relationships are there to serve, not to be served by, the two people who created it! And the way relationships serve the people involved, is by being a catalyst for their growth. When this stops, when the people get stuck in their growth, then that relationship that once served so well breaks down, and all the pep talks, communication seminars, self-help books and other band-aids will only postpone the inevitable.
Relationships are like snake skins – they protect and serve at the level you are at, and then when you grow, you shed them for another. When we try and stop that natural process, deny our growth or that of our partner, imagine that somehow it makes sense that we stay the same, or we shame our partner for “changing,” we find ourselves trying to desperately shove each other back in that old skin. Not fun nor pretty.
The way you address a broken relationship is by healing yourselves. What happens then, is that your old relationship dies a natural death and you get to create a brand-new relationship, together! What you created at 20 or 30 years old isn’t relevant to your 40 or 50 year old experience, and what you can create through intention at the next level can be just as exciting as your original creation!
Change your relationship by changing the way you view it. It’s the people in the relationship that matter most, and keeping the focus on them is where you will get your results.
If you have questions, or would like to discuss this further in a private phone call, click here.