Updated: Dec 4, 2019
Freyja and I have been together now for eight years, married seven, and the tenderness, excitement and passion for each other has grown in leaps and bounds. When she curls up in my lap, we both find deep contentment, and we trust each other completely. Why this is so, I believe, has much to do with how we met and courted.
My relationship with Freyja is, to me, graduate-level work. And by work, I mean play. We both spent the first part of our lives in relationships that deeply did not work, and we learned a lot about who we are not in the process. In my case, I sometimes wistfully wish that I had met her sooner, blah blah blah, but the reality is, I was not ready for her. We both had lessons to learn, and I definitely had some growing up to do. Once I WAS ready for her, we discovered each other with a breath-taking immediacy.
The quantum shift that prepared me to begin a partnership with such an amazing woman occurred in a powerful experiential program I attended. I took the first module and was so impressed I finished the first half of their offerings. This part of the program is similar to Landmark, for those who are familiar with that program. For me, this was the first real awakening to a broader reality, something I had only glimpsed before. I was challenged to embrace many concepts of intentionality, accountability, deep integrity, clear intention and committed action, among many other concepts. Most of these were not new to me – I had read much along these lines – but because it was an experiential program, they went far deeper than I could have imagined. I got it, grokked it, on a powerful body level. I learned the power of an experiential program, first hand!
The second half of the program, called ‘Life Mastery’ departs pretty radically from the personal development aspect of the first, and goes deep into the spiritual side of things. Again, another quantum shift for me. I was introduced to a whole new way of relating to reality and to my divine nature, in ways that were both very abstract, and at the same time very practical. I compressed years of spiritual searching into a few months – challenging and very rewarding.
The most amazing reward was in the second level of Life Mastery. It was here that Freyja and I started dating. We’d only just met during Life Mastery 1, but were just fellow attendees. What neither of us knew during that first section is that we were both transitioning to being single at about the same time. My then-wife was in the program with us both, knew us both, and in fact, wrote an email after our divorce was final telling Freyja the news, and that I would like to ask her out. Pretty unconventional, but we were all operating at a high level, even as we made life changes that usually created chaos.
So, Freyja and I began dating at a time when we were exploring our own selves, our beliefs, and our very perception of reality at a deep level. These courses are intensive, and spread out over multiple weeks, generally 3-4 days at a time. That meant the Freyja returned to her home and children in southern British Columbia after each retreat, and much of our courtship was long-distance. This meant, for us, sharing out growth, our meditation experiences, and our energy work. We connected remotely with soul-linking, we did Reiki healing on each other and on friends and family as needed. We developed such a strong spiritual connection with each other that we would literally startle each other during the day with a burst of violet flame or other spiritual poke. It got to be a bit of a game – I would focus on her, recite a mantra, and be rewarded with a text message asking “What did you just do!” We went beyond the couple that knows each other’s thoughts – we knew each other’s ENERGY.
I should point out that this all was occurring initially WITHOUT experiencing each other sexually. We had made a commitment at the beginning of the course, a commitment the facilitators required of each participant, proscribing sexual intimacy between participants for a minimum of 30 days after the last retreat (unless already in partnership). Due to the close connections that occur, they did not want us to get confused and damage healthy relationships. This is an extremely important part of what we created together for two big reasons. Firstly, beginning our relationship by being in integrity right from the start was huge. Our mutual commitment to this created a higher level of trust right from the start. Secondly, by eschewing the sexual aspect and focusing on the powerful spiritual growth, we bonded in ways that transcended sex. I love sex, I feel it is an essential part of being human and being spiritual, but here was a chance to ground ourselves in energy work, in communication at the heart level, and in connecting deeply at the soul level.
This all sounds pretty mystical, romantic and fairy tale-like, I know, so let me take a step back and look at it from the ‘practical’ viewpoint: Two people met in a self-improvement program after leaving highly restrictive religious environments. One, a former polygamist’s wife with twelve (yes, twelve) children, six still at home was dating a guy who had been previously married four (yes, four) times, and had six children of his own (all adults). Both were jumping into a long-distance rebound relationship, involving at some level EIGHTEEN children, and they weren’t even allowed to have sex with each other.
Practical wisdom says THIS IS FUCKING INSANE! There is NO way it can work, period. Let me tell you something – it’s never about what’s happening on the outside. It’s the internal work that matters. Two fully committed, inspired, growing divine beings can create anything, and we proved it.
And I’ll tell you something else…when we finally did connect sexually, the energy wave was felt in other galaxies and dimensions.
The biggest message I want to get across here is that it’s the inner work that matters most when creating your perfect relationship. I proved over and over that I could do it wrong – massively wrong. But when I stopped pointing outward and went within, miracles happened. It’s the inner work that draws in the perfect partner, and other’s results can be just as dramatic. We were seeking each other all along, but we couldn’t find each other until we found ourselves.