Empowered sexual expression is a beautiful and natural aspect of true freedom and authenticity available to us as spiritual beings having a human experience. We are erotic beings by nature and to reject or repress this essential part of ourselves creates a tension within which touches every aspect of our lives. This tension results in war in our relationships, war between the sexes, polarization in society and indeed, literal war in the world at large. This alarming situation is the result of millennia of religious shaming, indoctrination and repression of our sexuality, especially women’s sexuality.
We live in a society full of examples of what doesn’t work. So many have never even witnessed what healthy sexuality and deep intimate relationships look like, let alone actually experiencing that themselves. The result is that many don’t know where to begin creating empowered sexual expression in their lives. So, how do we actually reclaim our sovereignty and power over our own pleasure?
Let me begin by describing what it isn’t.
Empowered sexuality is NOT:
-Indiscriminate sex with anyone who shows an interest, because you feel you must to be sexually free or ‘empowered’.
-Having sex with someone because you feel obligated not to hurt their feelings.
-Telling someone else that they have hang-ups and aren’t sexually expressed if they don’t want to have sex with YOU.
-Engaging in various sexual practices from a place of being ‘broken’ and unable to ‘control’ your desires…so you might as well just ‘enjoy’ being broken along with a bunch of other broken people.
-Allowing others to use your body because you believe the sexual pleasure you can provide is your only real value to them.
-Engaging in sex in ways that validate your own lack of self-worth.
-‘Putting out’ sexual favors in your intimate relationship so that you are then ‘entitled’ to something in return. (Sex as a transaction.)
-Agreeing to a relationship structure that is not in alignment with your true desires because it’s what your partner wants – and then not being in integrity with that agreement either in your feelings or in your actions.
To be clear, I hold no judgement toward those who have engaged in their sexuality in these ways. This behavior is a predictable result of the shaming, trauma, lies, limiting programming and low self-worth that are rampant in our society. Feeling ‘broken’ is a natural result of the shame used to control us by making us believe our deepest most natural desires are depraved and dirty. These beliefs lead us to being out of integrity with who we are, and dis-integrated with the truth.
In actuality, the ecstatic state of orgasm is the highest vibrational energy possible for humans to achieve and this state is when they are most connected with each other and with the Divine.
So what IS empowered sexuality?
When contemplating a sexual encounter, there are three levels to honor: Chemistry/yoni, emotional/heart connection and wisdom/intuition (ie: feeling safe). For me, all three must be a ‘yes’ before I will open myself sexually to anyone. Feeling into each of these aspects of your wisdom, ask yourself: “Am I feeling a fully aligned ‘Yes’ here?” The wisdom of the heart and the wisdom of the yoni are every bit as powerful and potent as that of the intellectual body. Follow this process whether you are considering a potential relationship OR a casual encounter and you honor yourself in your ‘YES’ or your ‘NO’.
Empowered sexuality also includes being sure that you are not pushing your ‘YES’ onto another, but rather are coming together with mutually felt full body ‘YES’ responses. It is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting your desire be expressed and felt by another in a way that is an offering for them to accept or not, without being attached to an outcome and consequently falling into ego, rejection and resentment. This level of respect and honoring of the sovereignty of another over their body results in deep trust and opens the space for powerful and beautiful experiences of pleasure and connection. This approach is necessary whether it is a profound spiritual love-making experience, an exploration into the realm of Sacred Kink, or downright intense, primal sex that you desire in the moment. And all of these are examples of empowered sexual expression.
Empowered sexuality is acknowledging your triggers and being willing to do the deep work to heal the shame and trauma so that you are able to tap into your pleasure and your power. It is holding the sacred space for your partner to do the same.
Empowered sexuality is being 100% honest and in integrity with your partner in your commitments and expressing your desires…even if that means moving through the fear and taking a risk. Even if it means that by exposing your ‘shadow’ they might not see you the same way they did before. This empowered approach is often a gradual exploration of building trust and working through the layers. It includes exploring edges, honoring boundaries, and renegotiating agreements should needs and desires shift along the journey. And it is this kind of deep vulnerability and honest communication that creates relationships that work, and that honor each partner as valuable and sovereign.
We are all unique and beautiful beings, erotic by nature and Divine in our authentic sexual expression. When we fully accept and integrate this powerful truth, we allow ourselves to experience the joy, the pleasure and the love that is our birthright…we literally transform the world around us!
* article and image as published in Thought Catalog, March 18, 2019